A Light Bulb Moment

Have you ever felt like you were walking in a fog and you were so scared to take the next step because of fear that you might fall or roll your ankle or get hurt in some way. Lately that is how life has been for me. I have been walking in a fog not knowing which way to go and which is the best place to turn. Part of the reason is that I have been harboring hurt feelings for the past couple years and at times it doesn't bother me but sometimes I have huge flair ups where I feel like I am walking in a fog. It seems like I am crying all the time and can't stop it. My life is not horrible but there are many places in my life that I wish things were alot easier. We'll save my wish list for a later entry, but sometimes my life gets so overwhelming and I feel the pressure almost to where its unbearable. Well I had a huge eye opening experience last night. Now we are no where perfect with scripture study as a family but last night even though I really wanted nothing to do with it (I know that is a really BAD attitude) we had our evening scripture study. We read 1 Nephi 8 about Lehis dream of the tree of life. Well it came to me that the mist of darkness isn't necessarily sins but it can be all the "noise" we have in this life. It can be that thing that really hurt our feelings and we can't let go of, it can be that we didn't get that job promotion, or it could be that we have really bad anxiety. It can be anything that blocks our view of our Heavenly home and keeps us moving towards it. The next thing that came to me I already knew but it was reiterated in my mind. It was that no matter what if we hold on to the rod of iron then we have no reason to fear when we are taking our next step because the Lord will be our eyes. Anyhow these are just a few of my thoughts that came to me while reading the scriptures with my wonderful family. I felt like I needed to write them down so I can always remember them. I have regretted in the past when I have had light bulb moments and haven't written them down and then later trying to remember them and I can't. I am so thankful for the Book of Mormon and the wonderful teachings it has in it. I know that Heavenly Father watches out for us and that he loves us so much. I am so grateful for an older brother that loved me enough that he agreed to walk the same path that I walked in my life and is willing to carry my burdens so that my load might be lighter. I am so grateful that He was willing to die for me so that we can ALL return to our Heavenly Father again and be together as a family forever. I so look forward to seeing my little Graycee again. I look forward to seeing her and holding her close. I look forward to laughing and crying together someday. I am so excited for the day that I can see her again. I know that she is with two other wonderful girls right now and I look forward to seeing them again someday. I look forward to seeing my beautiful sister again that I never got to meet in this life but look forward to a wonderful relationship with her in the next life. I look forward to seeing my wonderful niece and hugging her again and being able to tell her how much I love her and that I think she is the most amazing person I know! I look forward to seeing these three wonderful girls again someday!

Is it possible that it has been a year?

A lot can happen in a year especially when your not paying attention. This year has flown by so quickly for me for tomorrow my baby girl turns 1! Alexis is one of the bright spots in my life! She has such a comforting spirit about her. There is no doubt that she came to our family at just the right time. When I thought my heart was breaking and would never recover Heavenly Father sent me such a wonderful gift! My heart still hurts and the hole in my heart will never be filled but my heart was able to grow so much when my baby girl was sent to me from above! Alexis is a little gem as grandpa likes to call her! She has touched everyone that has come into contact with her! It seems that wherever she goes people are drawn to her! If you are a stranger she will usually give you a sly little grin and then hide her face in my shoulder. Although there have been times that she cries and cries when she sees someone that scares her. Like when my dad makes silly faces at her she cries and cries. I didn't know my dad could be so scary until I saw him through my baby's eyes! JK! I love my dad and he is always goofing around with the grand kids and Alexis is no different for him, Alexis just hasn't come to appreciate it yet! :) LOL! Sometimes you have to really be persistent and patient with her if you want to hold her. Well I better go for tonight! Happy Birthday my little one year old I love you very much!

7 things I love about my LuLu!

7~ I love it when you say sassily "It doesn't matter!"

6~ I love it when you give me a great big hug when you know I'm sad!

5~I love it when you smile and there is a mischievous sparkle in your eyes!

4~ I love it when you write me notes!

3~ I love it when you laugh!

2~ I love that you are a wonderful sister to Burke and Alexis!

1~ I love that you are my wonderful daughter!

This is a little late! Annie turned 7 on March 26, 2010. She is such a wonderful daughter and is always so loving. I love her beautiful smile and the fact that she is a wonderful daughter and sister! She is always trying to get Alexis to smile. Annie I hope you know just how much I love you and that I think you are a fabulous young lady!

Miss Annie's Story

We were excited yet surprised to find out we were expecting Annie. When Burke was one we decided we would try to have another baby. Well then Chris got layed off at work and we decided to move back home to Burley. Chris actually got a job and moved to Burley and I ended up staying in Logan for six more weeks before moving. My little sister came and stayed with me to help take care of Burke while I worked. I guess I was a little grumpy because she complained to my dad about how grumpy I was and my family kept asking me if I was pregnant and I kept telling them that I was just stressed out with the move. Well we finally got moved and after a few weeks and my Dad of all people keep telling everyone that I was pregnant we found out i really was pregnant. Annie was due April 17, 2003. Yes I know her due date is just 11 days after what Burkes was :). We were pleased when we did find out. Her pregnancy was easier because I wasn't so sick with morning sickness, but I did have preeclampsia again and it was alot worse the 2nd time around. My last Doctors appointment before I had her was scheduled on Burkes birthday and I quickly changed that because I didn't want to be put on bed rest on his b-day. So we had our doctors appointment on the 19th and Dr. Dowdle promptly put me on bed rest. I was retaining water, and my ankles were huge. We were ok on Chris days off, but I decided Burke and I would go stay with my parents on Sunday so I could have some help with Burke. That night I became very sick. I couldn't keep anything down. The next morning I left Burke with my parents and went home so I could rest and not worry about Burke. Well I decided that since I couldn't keep anything down that I wouldn't drink anything either. It seemed logical to me at the time, but looking back it wasn't the wisest decision because I started having contractions and I ended up in the hospital that night. The contractions were coming regularly and the doctor said that I could have Annie if they kept going but I was so exhausted from being so sick that I let them give me something to relax and go to sleep. Well whatever it was it stopped my contractions. The next day when Dr. Dowdle came in to check on me he said it was to early for me to be induced without doing an amnio. He told me that he recommended the amnio because my blood pressure was so high and it would be better to have the baby sooner rather than later. So we decided to get the amnio done. We got the results that her lungs were developed and that it was ok to induce. Well by the time we got the results to the amnio it was to late in the afternoon to induce so we decided to induce the next morning. I remember they induced about 4:00 am on the 26th of March, but after I got the epidural everything is a little sketchy. My blood pressure plummeted and I had a reaction to the epidural. The nurse had never seen anyone react that way. I got so sick. I remember that the nurse call button didn't work in the room I was in but they couldn't move me because of the epidural and because of how I was doing they had to fix the button so the tech came in and fixed it. Annie arrived around 12:45 pm on March 26, 2003. She was 5 lbs. 15 ozs. She was so tiny. The doctor said because of the stress my body had been under that she had stopped growing and her lungs developed faster because I was under stress. We were so glad that she was a healthy baby girl. Her full name is Annie Luella Walquist. She is named after her great grandma Walquist. I am so grateful for a doctor that was on top of things and took very good care of me. The nurses at the Burley hospital were also very amazing.

Burkes story

Well I thought it would be fun to tell everyone about all of my kids in a post and how they came to be a part of our family. We were so excited to find out we were expecting Burke! When we found out we cried because we were so happy. We lived in Logan at the time and life was wonderful! Looking back I think that his pregnancy was the easiest. Even with the horrible morning sickness that I had with him overall his was the easiest. When I was six months along I went into to preterm labor and the doctor almost didn't let me travel to Burley for Christmas but he finally relented and told me as long as I promised to take it easy he would allow me to go home for Christmas. About a month later my blood pressure started to rise and they watched it closely. Six weeks before I actually had Burke Dr. Avery put me on bed rest. I was retaining water and they diagnosed me with preeclampsia. It was kind of scary but we made it through. I was so anxious to have Burke here that I continuously asked the Doctor when he would think about inducing. He always said not anytime soon. Burke was due April 6, 2001 and on March 15th I thought my water broke so I went to the doctors office and when he checked me to see what was going on I passed out. I woke up to Chris and Dr. Avery standing over me looking very worried. My water had not broken but Dr. Avery decided he would induce me on Saturday which ended up being Saint Patricks day. I heard all the jokes about names... Patrick... Lucky... ect... Well at about 6:15 that night I was ready to push and Burke was born at 6:45 pm. He was such a beautiful baby. He was such an easy going baby. He was ok to do whatever. Burke is very proud to be the unique one in our family since everyone else in our family was born in Burley.

9 things I LOVE about Burke

9. I love your eyes. They are so green its a very fitting color considering

your birthday is St. Patricks day.

8. I love your love of sports. I can see the passion you have for sports.

You know so much about sports even things from before you were born.

7. I love that you love Monster Trucks. You know who drives what truck and everything.

6. I love your competitiveness. With this you can go far, just remember

to go for your dreams and that you can do anything!

5. I love that you can be a little dare devil sometimes. When you are on

your bike there isn't anything your not willing to try!

4.I love your grin it usually means you are up to no good! :)

3. I love that you value your friendship with family over your friends at school!

2. I love that you are a wonderful big brother. Annie and Alexis absolutely adore you!

1. I love that you are my son! You are joy to have in our family!

Catching up

The last couple months have definitely has had its ups and downs. Everything has been kind of hard. The hardest thing has been that Ashley has been so sick. She was such a great example of love and compassion. She was always worried about everyone around her. I think I really got a dose of her pure love a couple years ago when I was six months pregnant and we lost our baby Graycee. This sweet little girl who fought to live everyday was devastated and said she would gladly trade places with her because she had ten years and Graycee didn't even get a day. That moment touched my heart. It has been really hard knowing that Ashley had been so sick and there was nothing any of us could do. Two weeks ago our little miss Ashley returned to her very loving Heavenly Father. My life will always be better because I knew her here on earth even if it was just for a short moment. At least that is what it seems like. Ashley continuously worried about everyone around her and how her sickness affected them. She was never worried about herself but about her caretakers. Its comforting to know that families can be together forever. I know that I will see my baby, Graycee once again. I will be able to hold her and watch her grow into a beautiful young lady. I am comforted to know that Ashley and Graycee are together again and I can't wait to see them once again.

Another thing we are continuing to try to deal with is Chris's anxiety. Chris was in a car accident a year and half ago and he has never been the same. His anxiety blew up it was like he was a time bomb and the accident really set him off. Life has been extra hard since then. Chris doesn't have a job right now and its really hard being the one that has to carry it all. I never know when something might set Chris off. He also has sleep apnea and he isn't doing anything for that. I know his c-pap machine is very scary for him but I truly believe that its the link to his happiness. I know when I don't get enough sleep I am a mess. He truly hasn't slept well for at least seven years. That is a VERY long time and once we get him to the point of being able to wear his machine at night we will be on the road to recovery. I am so grateful to Chris parents because they have been very supportive and I could have never lived through this past 1 1/2 years without them. I am so grateful I married into the family I did. The Walquist family truly knows how to love unconditionally and I am a better person just for being in their family. I hope that I can carry on the name for them. I truly hope that we can get Chris past this point in his life! Please keep him in your prayers.

My kids have truly kept me busy! Burke turned 9 just yesterday! I can't believe it! It seems like it was just yesterday that yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital! I am so glad he is my oldest because he truly sets a good example to my girls. Burke LOVES sports and he is very good at them. His favorite is basketball and football. Although we have learned that sisters are breakable after he tackled Annie last Easter and broke her arm. He is VERY good at kicking the football and he is also great with a basketball. He gets very good grades and his teacher says that its with him putting very little effort into it and that if he can just put all his effort into it that he could have a 4.0 his whole school career. He would really like to play sports in High School and College and we talked to him about the importance of having good grades now and keeping it up because the only way to get into college to play sports is to have good grades along with being good at sports.

Annie will be 7 in a week and I can't believe that either. She is so wonderful and she is also doing great in school. I truly love being her mom even when she tests my patience! This she does very well. She has so much energy and I have no idea where she gets it from. She hates going to bed and often stays awake until i fall asleep so she can sneak into our bed. Its more often than not that she is able to stay awake past me. Annie often tells you how it and doesn't hold anything back. She lets you know when she is mad or sad. She keeps our home hoppin'!

Miss Alexis turns 1 in two weeks. She is doing so many new things. She pulls herself up on furniture and is proving to be a little monkey I caught her on my mother in laws end table the other day. She was so proud of herself. She was looking at a picture of Connie and Jason whom she LOVES very much. She has three teeth now and is getting some more. She says Mom, DAD, babababa, hi, bye-bye and has even said boo a couple of times. She loves playing peek-a-boo. Its funny when she tries playing peek a boo with a small toy and she puts it high above her head and looks at you expecting you to say peek-a-boo! I love her smile and laugh.

Over all our life is good and I hope I haven't given anyone the idea that its not. We definitely have our trials but who has a perfect life? I hope that life will get better! Right now we need to get Chris back to his old self! Keep him in your prayers and I know that anything is possible.